Plötzlich sehe ich dich (Suddenly I see you)
by Obsessed Fanboy
Summary: Romano is injured due to improper wear of his chest binder- didn't I mention he's trans? Antonio and Francis are moving their relationship to the next level- moving in together. Gil has always liked Vene, but was it like this? And Lud is supportive of Lovino- will feelings grow there. (Basically idk but rarer ships that I rly like & yeah we'll go from there) Rated M because idk yet
1. Fuck!

So, hallo leute- I am NOT even close to like fully understanding elementary German- so if I mess up please forgive me- but I'm at least not using google translate and have actually been trying to learn it for a year. I DO NOT own Hetalia, I don't even know my idea for the plot yet so just go with it, Germano isn't one of my big ships but I'm vibing with it lately and I don't see many well non-smut Germano fics. Also I really like the idea of Romano being ftm because I myself am ftm and yeah- Lovino got me through some tough times and I relate to him. I might be starting another fic since I got a request and I'm waiting for the info. Forgive my English mistakes as well because I went to sleep at 1am last night and woke up at 6:30 this morning (it's 10:27 am rn) and I got coffee took my meds, got a quick shower and wrote this and I'm still not awake AND rambling like anyone actually reads this... Anyway- hope you enjoy and I will try and Update July Pain soon.

I've been thinking about another RusAme fic but today I'm in more of an Ameripan mood- Also my bipolar II has my mood all over the place which sucks for my school work- But good news for you guys because it means I have tons of inspiration and creativity.

The German/Deutsch I didn't translate next to what it was saying in parenthesis- is meant to be that way, it's simple enough if you google translate it you'll know what I said, but the point is he wasn't confident saying what he was in a language he was comfortable with and used to. (I don't condone using google translate for things that are more complicated than what a kid who just started using words can say though- because while it's getting better- it isn't at all reliable.

Now that I've written a really long author's note enjoy this first chapter.

* * *

So lets be honest here- I don't know what the fuck happened. One minute I was hanging out with Tomato Bastard and his idiota friends- And the next I was on the floor barely able to breathe. I woke up in the hospital, my binder long gone,

"What happened?" I asked, my eyes closed not knowing whether I was alone or not.

My question was answered by the cold hand on my head and the cooing of my younger brother, "Lovi? Are you okay? What happened?!"

I was his elder by two years, and by nation standards I might as well be his twin after all- to us nations 2 years might as well be two seconds.

I go to answer holding back a wince when I take a deep breath, my eyes slowly opening, "I was with Spain and his idiota boyfriend the Frenchie and that Sr. Potato, we were on a walk and I fell over cause I couldn't breathe and then I woke up here."

Feliciano, the poor bastard had dark circles around his eyes, "Fratello! You couldn't breathe because you didn't take the breaks you needed, your ribs were crushed, not damaged but enough loss of oxygen to make you pass out."

I rolled my eyes, "Well I was out with them what was I supposed to do? Slip into a bathroom and come out with boobs? They don't know because they don't need to." I defended myself.

My northern brother frowned furthur, "Fratello, I just want you to be safe. Do you know how scared I was? What if you were having a bad reaction to your last dose? Did you bring your packer? What if you'd had to pee and they didn't have an open stall?"

I sigh, "Fratellino, I'm really glad you care but don't you think I've thought this stuff over? I mean I have to go through it everyday. Anyway, I'll have a talk with Tomato Bastard, I've wanted to spend more time at home anyway, I'm surprised him and Francis haven't fucked in front of me considering their constant tension. I'll be fine."

My brother smiles- and I know I'm fucked, because it's not one of his normal too happy smiles that I know is fake, it's a goddamned genuine smile, small and breathtaking, which is how I know I won't be happy with what is about to happen.

Before he gets a word out, "What the fuck did you do?"

The smile grows, I see him holding a suitcase- my suitcase. Fuck.

"Well, you see, I got Toni to give me all your stuff, because Ludwig and Prussia and I want you to move in with us at Germany's. They were really worried and you know I can't trust you around France- on a normal basis especially if he finds out your- circumstances. Not that there's anything wrong with them! But you know Francis, he would probably make you feel awful about everything. Then there's also the fact that Germany and Gilbert wanted to help take care of you as much as I did since your ribs need time to heal." He rambled and I sighed,

"I'm not getting out of this am I?" He shook his head. Well fuck.

When we get to Germany's- well I guess our house, I take a look around. It's nice, though of course I'd never admit that out loud, it looks like something you'd expect to see on a small farm or at a ski resort. It's a small, though not overly so house, with a 'Pennsylvania Dutch' feel, as the Pennsylvanians aren't Dutch- they were germans and said 'Deutsch' but were misheard and it stook. Tan main walls with chocolate trim over it, making the outside of the home look cozy, though not indulgent.

As we walk inside the house I remember, "Aren't there only two rooms here? I'm not sleeping with Bird bastard!"

Feliciano smiles, a normal one this time, "No, you aren't- I figured you'd sleep with Germany, since he always makes me feel safe. He's very wary about being overly touchy so you don't have to worry, and he's really good with sickness and injuries."

I blush- thinking of being so close to and taken care of by the man I'm always so rude to.

"Why would he want to help me though?" I ask confused.

Before Vene can answer, a deep voice speaks up making us look up, "Because it's the right thing to do, besides, I know you only treat me the way you do because you're concerned about your brother. Also Prussia has been looking for an excuse to talk pranks on other nations with Feli and this was a good opportunity." My breath has stopped at hearing the most I think I've ever heard the German man say. He doesn't speak much in more formal situations, but in personal- especially embarrassing ones, he can be quite the chatterbox.

I huff, putting on my persona once more, "Well- if you think I'm going to say thank you, I wouldn't hold your breath." He smiles at me.

"Come on, I'll show you where your zeuge (stuff) goes." I follow him, through the cozy living room, down a hall, and come into a room with a modest queen size bed, with nice looking though not feminine looking sheets that are black and blue striped horizontally, and the blue matches his eyes.

He opens the closet, and a few empty dresser drawers for me to put my stuff in and sits on the bed watching me unpack. I hope he doesn't notice how tense I am with him watching me, I'm wondering if he can see my hips even though I wore a loose shirt over my binder and a shaper made to make my torso look more masculine.

I hold back a flinch when I hear him start to ask me something, "If you don't want to talk about it I understand, but are you okay? Was (what) happened?"

I internally debate whether I should come out to him or not, after all- to all the nations except Vene I'm stealth, even Antonio doesn't know, and that dumbass raised me. I think about Germany's laws (we do have influence on our less crazy political leaders after all) I remember he's very liberal himself, and his country is very accepting, I don't know much German but Feli taught me as much as he remembered, I hope I say this right but I don't think I can explain in English…

I turn to face him, I look him in the eye and say, "Ich- ich bin ein transmann."

He quirks an eyebrow, "Und? So was?"

I blink, out of all the things I expected and prepared myself for- this was not it, my eyes widen and my jaw drops, "Was it obvious? Did Feli tell you? Why are you so nonchalant?"

While I rambled I thought about how it was the perfect reaction, the kind you want, not making a big deal of it but that isn't how things work in this world. Before I freak out more he grabs my hand bringing me to the present.

He smiles, "Nein, Ich kenne nicht. The thing is, it's not a big deal. You're still the man I knew you were when I met you… What does that have to do with you being injured?"

I start laughing, really loudly- my brother walks in and looks concerned. He turns to Ludwig, "What happened?"

Germany is frowning in confusion, "Sorry, that was probably not easy, not knowing how I was going to react, but you're Lovino, it's still you." With that said he turns to Feli, "He told me he was trans, I might've surprised him with my reaction- I don't want to speak for him though."

My jaw should be on the floor, I whisper, "Who would've thought potato bastard- I mean Ludwig…" I smile at him, "Thank you, I'm stealth with the other countries though- don't want it to be a big deal and to answer your question, my ribs were hurt from wearing my binder too long, and now my lungs, ribs and sides have to heal."

He frowns, "I'm sorry, I can't imagine, it must be awful to deal with- but please try to be safer. You and Feli are really important- as countries and as yourselves, don't take that away from us."

My eyes widen, I laugh, "I'm starting to understand how psychology was formed in your country."

Feli laughs now, "Ve, I know- Lud has always been almost as philosophical as we have." He turns and leaves the room with a, "Get along you two."

I frown, "I have to go get a shower, and I won't be able to wear my binder afterward- can I borrow a sweatshirt to cover up for dinner with, usually I take one from Toni saying I'm cold."

He nods, getting up and grabbing a thick, but soft sweatshirt with the words Universität München and the letters LMU underneath. It's forest green, and smells like cumin, cedar, amber, and quite surprisingly apples and sweet bread. I try not to blush as I think about how nice the scent is and hurry to push Germany out of the room.

"Anyway, tell Feli I'll be down for dinner, I'll find the bathroom myself."

As he walks out the door I sigh, "I have a bad feeling about this."

* * *

Leave a comment if you have any feedback- or just to let me know what you think! It always makes my day just to see someone looked at my story, even if they didn't leave anything. But I like knowing how I did too so... I have no idea how long this will be or anything really- we'll probably figure it out together.

Chao- Obsessed


	2. Teach Me?

(Germany's POV)

I started mentally fussing at myself, _He doesn't care about your concern! Amd he certainly wouldn't let you continue to take care of him if he knew how nice you thought his laugh sounded! Get yourself together!_ I snap out of my trance, noticing I'd been helping with donner on autopilot.

I turned to Feliciano, "Lovino said he's getting a shower and would be down in time for dinner, I gave him a sweat shirt for when he gets _cold_." I tried to send the message through the way I said the word, and Feli nodded.

"Grazie Germany, I knew you'd be perfect to help." I smile at him,

"I'm glad, you and Lovino are like family to me at this point, and Japan of course. Before all of this it was just Gilbert and I."

He smiles and turns around continuing to cook, later when we all sit down to the meal I'm surprised to see Gilbert and Lovino acting so civil toward each other. _Maybe this won't be too bad._ Of course that thought makes everything go downhill.

It all started with Prussia saying, "Italy and I-"

I cut him off, "They're both Italy."

I see Vene smile brightly at Romano beside me, so I look over to see him blushing.

He stutters out a, "T-thanks, bastard." I chuckle.

"Well it's the truth, besides you're older so if either one of you should be called Italy it would be you, since the capital of the whole country is your capital and you were here first. No offense, Feliciano." I added at the end.

He furrows his brows still smiling, "I really don't mind, it's a refreshing perspective."

Lovino cuts in, "I don't need you to suck up to me Potato Bastard."

I frown, "I'm not sucking up, I just get really irritated that everyone treats you the way they do. This is kind of just an opportunity to express that."

His blush is slowly fading, he rolls his eyes, "You don't have to be nice to me because of what you know."

Now I'm genuinely hurt, "I told you I wouldn't treat you any differently and I'm not, this has been bothering me for some time you can ask Vene." I said purposely using the Northern Italian's Nation name.

Feliciano nods, "Roma he's been telling me how much it bothered him since the day I introduced you two."

At the confirmation from his brother who wouldn't lie about something like that I see Romano take in the information and start to blush, _He's so handsome, and that blush is adorable._ I'm startled by the thought the second I realize it's there. _Nein, you are to take care of him, besides he'd never like you anyway._ After the mental talk with myself I feel a bit better and I look at Prussia,

"East? You okay, you've been quiet..." I see my brother blush and then start rambling about how he was speechless at his own awesomeness. _Nothing to worry about for now then._

"So what are we gonna do tonight?" I ask the question before I think too much about it.

Lovino and Feliciano look at each other and Feli explains, "We usually practice, we used to take and then teach classes."

"What kinds of classes?" I'm curious.

Lovino smiles proudly, "Dance idiota, Tarantella, Rumba, Jive, Tango, Bolero, Foxtrot, West Coast Swing, Salsa, and Ballet."

Vene nods, "Lovi is better at them than I am though, I always end up needing to take his lead."

I blush, "I don't even know how to dance casually."

Lovino's jaw drops, "At all?! Nope, come on- I'll teach you to dance, we can start with the box step after you stretch."

After telling me I'd need to be in comfortable but movable clothes, I but on my workout shorts and signature wifebeater.

"Will this work?" I ask nervous, sure I'll make a fool of myself.

He swallows when he looks at me, "It'll do."

I swallow nervously, "How should I stretch? I wanna be prepared in case I'm better than I think I'll be."

He comes up behind me pushing my shoulders down, "Sit down, and I'll help you- you'll need it. You don't need that much stretching for today- but we'll stretch you more today so it'll be easier next time."

I nod, understanding the idea. When I sit on the floor he comes up and pulls my legs into a wide v-shape.

"Now, you're going to lean straight forward as far as you can and hold it for about a minute." I feel my muscles strain a bit, used to being worked but in a way to focus on making them stronger not flexible.

We do some side stretches and then it's time for my legs, I know this won't be fun.

"So first you're going to lay on your back and pull your legs up like you would sit on a bike."

He continues to instruct, "Then you'll move them in small circular motions like riding one to loosen them up a little before these stretches- They're gonna hurt you a little but it necessary if you want to learn to dance and not injure yourself."

I nod, "I trust you."

My movement's start and after a little bit I pull my knees up to my chest, he comes over to me and straightens my legs out in the position, my knees now beside my ears and I feel the stretch burn- but it's not overwhelming and I know it'll be good for me. When he tells me to stand up I realize I already feel better- more loose.

"Okay, I need you to lean with your hands holding you against the wall. I'm going to work your legs the other way now and then we can get started." he warns me.

When I feel his rough hands on my legs and think about his baritone voice I shiver, his hands pulling my leg backward and raising it to make my body make a y with my leg on the ground as the stem.

20 minutes later I discover that I'm not as bad at dancing as I thought I would be, Lovino is a kind and patient teacher, and that I'm in desperate need of a shower.

After drying off I put on some fresh boxers and a pair of pajama pants. Romano is already fast asleep and when I lay down facing him he snuggles into my arms. After a yawn I close my eyes and enter the land of dreams.

The dream starts off with me baking, not that strange- I'm usually in a good mood if I'm doing it so this should be a good dream. And I discover it is when I feel arms wrap around my waist and soft lips kissing my neck. Mhm, I sigh. I feel the lips against my neck smirk but before I can turn around and figure out who it is I wake up to a blaring alarm.

Lovino whines in my ear, I turn it off and he cuddles up against me again, and as long as I don't think about it being him I'm okay. Veneziano has desensitized me to people using me as a human pillow. While most would think that I wouldn't be a good pillow, while not flexed muscles are actually quite soft, and warm.

When I try to untangle myself from the smaller man- I find my task quite difficult him whining and clinging to me. It's really cute and don't want to wake him so I give up and decide to lay there. Until I hear moaning coming from the next room.


	3. What the Hell

I wake up as the warmth keeping me asleep was ripped away and I fell slightly back onto the bed. As my senses start to register my surroundings I hear someone pounding on Prussia's door. I look around for blond bastard -_where is-_ I feel a bit slow as I realize he is more than likely the source of knocking as he isn't in the room.

As I get to my feet and walk to the hallway I see a shirtless Ludwig and Gilbert aka albino bastard. Wondering why the hell they are shirtless -first thing in the morning- and why Germany is blushing -_whichisactuallycute, waitididn'tjustthinkthatstopit- _I decide to speak up in my typical way.

"What the hell is going on _so early in the morning!?_" I yell, sounded much more irritated than I am and much less curious.

I tried to keep a straight face when confronted with Ludwig blushing harder than before rambling, "Es tut mir leid (I'm sorry), did I wake you? Go back to sleep- everything is fine!"

I blink, my brain registering the German- albeit slowly, and continuing my curiosity as to why we are up. I turn to Prussia reluctantly asking, "Nummer ein, why are we up this early und zwei is your brother okay?"

Prussia smiles at the tiny bit of German and then frowns, "West? Why did you wake up- I doubt it was nightmares you haven't had them since you were little. To answer your other question I don't know, he could just be tired or upset maybe."

When I see the incredulous look on Ludwig's face I step toward him, catching his hand.

"You can talk, I won't get upset." I say, hoping I didn't do something wrong.

He clears his throat, cheeks still pink, "I- I might be wrong but I thought I hear moaning coming from your room bruder."

I have no clue how -maybe the tiredness, maybe the shock but I don't make a face.

I calmly ask, "Prussia? Anything to say?"

The albino nation is very clearly blushing thanks to his lack of pigment the tops of his ears matching the burgundy of his irises.

His throat clears, "I- um- there was nothing happening like that! It's just well, Ita- I mean Feli was having a nightmare because it's a new place for him to sleep, he even warned me it might happen, but he said it should be okay after a night or two."

I breathe a sigh of relief, "He's always had trouble with nightmares, so often even when we were teens the sheets were the only tell between one kind of dream and another."

I frown a little over the fact that one, I admitted that to them and two that my brother would go through that again for me.

I made a decision, "Look, if it's going to make him have more nightmares, he shouldn't be doing it. He can go back to his normal spot, I can sleep on the couch, I'm not-"

Before I can finish I'm cut off by my brother yelling angrily in my ear about not finishing my sentence. The German brothers' eyes widen never seeing Feli act so- well so much like me.

I groan, "Feli, seriously though. You can't let yourself have nightmares on my account! If Germany sleeping beside you makes you have them less than I'll sleep on the street before- OW!"

He smirks, "Are you gonna listen for a minute?" I nod silently, not trusting him not to cause a scene in front of these two.

He takes in a breath explaining, "It wasn't a nightmare." and stops. He's blushing, I'm blushing, Germany and Prussia are soon to follow.

I open my mouth, "I don't want to know- just, okay. I'm gonna go try to get hit by a bus." and I start to walk but there's an arm reaching out to stop me.

I look up and it's Ludwig, still blushing faintly and I know I'm not much better myself.

I stop and he says, "We should get breakfast."

I nod, as we walk to the kitchen.

I look around the kitchen surprised to find many German ingredients that work well to make all sorts of things- food is food but wow. I know I like German pastries more than I'd like to admit so I start on a dough while Ludwig seems to be making some coffee.

In my daze I manage to get the food done and sit down, Ludwig bringing me a cup of coffee. I moan into the cup as I take a sip, the drink tasting like warmth and care. I love coffee. I see Ludwig's eyes get an amused glint in them as he bites into the food I made.

He makes a somewhat startled sound, "Apfelkuchen?" I smile.

"How is it?" I ask, seemingly bored.

As he goes to take another bite he mutters, "The best."

As Prussia and Feli awkwardly join us none of us make conversation or eye contact. Feli- because of embarrassment, Prussia either because he enjoys our pain or is also embarrassed, Germany because he's tired and embarrassed. _I guess it's up to me then._

I start in a teasing voice, "So fratello?..."

I see him glance up at me with a mixed look of amusement, confusion, and caution.

I roll my eyes, "When are we going to go out again, we haven't hung out in a city in forever!"

Immediately he starts to smile laughing, "Fratello! You should have said something sooner, it's been months!"

The two German brothers have wide eyes, they thought the Italy 'twins' were joined at the hip. As Romano pouted Germany had an alarming thought about Romano overexerting himself, he bites his lip but Romano doesn't notice. Not wanting to upset Romano and remembering that him and East haven't been out together in a while, he asks,

"East, du willst mit mir gehen?"

Prussia seems to think about it and laughs at his younger brother, "Ja, aber wo West?"

The blond frowns, "Ich kenne nicht, der Park? Oder mit ihnen, alle zusammen?"

I squint trying to follow, I know that gehen means go and alle zusammen means all together.

I ask lightly, "Did you both want to join us?"

They flinch and turn to me and Feli smiling, "We were just talking about going out ourselves, I didn't know what to suggest so if we all want to do something together we can." Germany tries to explain awkwardly.

"I don't mind." Prussia's eyebrows are touching the sky at this statement from me.

"You don't mind?" he inquires, I laugh, standing up and grabbing his and Germany's hands.

"Feli, hurry up or we'll leave you behind!" I order, hearing Feli race around the house.

Today might not be so bad after all.

Sorry guys, I meant to post this all last night but I got a call and a teacher of mine died. I was too upset to finish the chapter till this morning.


	4. Was der Hölle

I was still blushing when we finally reached the place the Italian brothers had in mind, _Get yourself together dummkopf,_ I wasn't surprised but curious to see an art gallery, though one I don't think I've visited myself.

I was startled, though not noticeably when Lovino turned around to remind us, "Don't stare at anyone or anything too long, we're not in Italy to keep the mafioso down- much."

I shuddered at the confident, threatening tone in his voice, _His voice sounds so nice, but why bring us here if it might be dangerous? Well as long as he doesn't get hurt again everything should be fine._

Lost in thought, I managed to wander away from everyone. _I know I should turn around and look for-_ My thoughts ceased as I saw a beautiful impressionist abstract-esque piece. The black of the canvas contrasting drastically from the white whorls with overlapping maroon wisps and violet drips. I was breathless the piece telling me a story of adventure and misfortune.

I felt a hand on my shoulder and turned to see Lovino with a questioning look on his face. I just shook my head as he linked his hand with mine and we walked back to where Gilbert and Feli were waiting.

My stomach flipped and my face warmed as I felt his warm hand in mine, I know I shouldn't care about something so small but this is _Lovino_, I mean_, He's amazing, why is he holding my hand though? I want him to keep holding it._

I see East smirk at the expression on my face telling me he knows about my crush, I can only hope he won't tell Feliciano or Lovino about it.

As we walk around the rest of the German Mafia's art gallery I notice that I have no clue where we are anymore- I must not have been paying attention. The warm hand in mine squeezes me gently and I have to try not to let out a content sigh. I wonder when we'll work on my dancing again.

I zone back out into my thoughts only to realize there's a certain idea in here that has started, but not been explored. I shrug it off instead thinking about the amazingly warm hand holding mine, his amber skin glowing warmly next to my pale ivory color. My heart is pounding thinking about the fact he 1) Is holding my hand and 2) Is _still_ holding my hand. I look at my older brother to see his hands hanging loosely by his sides and then at Feliciano to see him hugging himself gently.

I nudge Lovino,"If you need to go walk with your brother you should."

His hand grips mine tighter as he states, "Feli will be fine, I'd rather stay here with you."

My heart stops and when it starts again we're already home. I mutter an excuse about being tired as I head off to the shower. I turn on the warm- not hot water and go through my routine. When Lovino crosses my mind I slam my hand against the tiled wall, palm flat.

I whisper to myself, "Ich bin nicht dumm… Aber, was war das?"

I don't know, but I'm worried as I'm already excited about the idea of it happening again- I jump out of the shower dry myself off just to open the door and see- Vino, lips puffed out hand raised to knock. His eyes trail from their spot on the floor slowly up my body and I ward off a shiver.

"Did you need something?" I ask him.

He rolls his eyes, "You wanted to learn dance didn't you?" the question a reply.

I facepalm, "Shit, you're right, lets go." I reply, rushing to the living room.

I start doing stretches, the same ones from yesterday. Starting with touching my toes (more like folding in half for me) I shiver involuntarily as South Italy grips my hips lightly to adjust them.

"Not too bad for your second day." he comments making me proud of myself.

My muscles are still whine from the pain of yesterday's activities, are now screaming in pain of being pushed even further. It's been a long time since I've been this sore over an exercise. As I stand upright the Italian helps me into a partial split, suspended slightly above the floor as to not crush my manhood.

I hold in a sigh as my older brother walks in, "West, Ita- I mean Feliciano is making lunch, so you don't have to worry about it." I nod my head in return.

I feel Romano move his grip on me and East turns around to leave until, he turns his head back, "Und West?"

"Ja?" I ask.

He smirks, "Du willst ihn ficken."

I choke on air, "I-ICH NICHT, Nein! Fick dich, nein!"

He just laughs as he walks away, my face bloodred.

"What was that about." I whine in return to the question, really not wanting to explain.

I sigh, "Bruder said I- that um I-" I stutter briefly.

His eyebrows rise, "That you…"

I cough, "He said I want to fuck you." my face reddens.

"Oh." he replies.

He helps me to my feet, "Okay, I'm going to teach you the basic rhythm to flamenco, counted in 12s its toe-heel-heel-toe-tap." he demonstrates fluidly, the ball of his foot down on the toes, the heel tapping the floor on heels, leaving his foot flat on the tap.

I slowly copy his movements, "Not too bad, but less rigidly."

His hands find my shoulders and push them down gently, I'm reminded of East's statement.

"Um, okay, but do you want to- um I don't know talk about before?" I ask nervously.

He frowns lightly, "Why? I clearly heard you say no and even if you didn't why should it be any of my business?"

My face feels hot, "I just wanted to make sure I didn't make you uncomfortable."

He rolls his eyes then smirks playfully, "The only thing making me uncomfortable is not being able to wear my binder."

I nod, "Noted."

I stop my movement for a moment before rapidly doing the sequence.

"Impressive, you're a quick study."

I smirk as we carry on.


	5. So

~~POV Lovino~~

I woke up knowing it was going to be a bad day. _I hate dysphoria._ Before I even open my eyes I'm aware of my chest and the fact I'm not allowed to wear my binder. I groan softly, blushing at the arm that tightens around my waist.

"Mhmm, let me gooo!" I whine softly at Ludwig.

I can hear his pout, "But you're warm!"

I snicker, "Too bad, though- if you let me go I'll make you coffee."

His arms were no longer around my waist within seconds. I laugh lightly, _I never thought I'd like this bastard so much. _I go into the bathroom, and wash my face, brush my teeth and my hair, I get an alcohol pad and clean off a spot on my leg, and take my shot. _Huh, 400 years on T (don't ask I don't know how either)._ I keep on the loose sweatshirt, deciding to adopt it for the entire day.

I walk down stairs and get started on the coffee, I smile as Feli comes to join me.

"You making breakfast this morning?" I ask.

He smirks, "It's either that or risk Gilbert trying to cook."

I laugh as we hear an indignant, "HEY!" from upstairs.

He comes up and hugs me from behind, "So how are you, -really?"

I sigh, "I'm okay, it's been really good here, but- I'm having a little self-consciousness issues today." I wink, hoping he gets the meaning.

He laughs, "You have nothing to worry about, besides I'm the one everyone thought was a girl! And hey, you look _good_ in Ludwig's sweatshirt."

I blush and his eyes widen.

"You like him!?" he whisper gasps.

"No and hush!" I come back defensively.

I roll my eyes, "I guess it just got to me a little because yesterday Prussia- I mean Gilbert accused Ludwig of- wanting to fuck me." I tried to ignore my words going up an octave at the end, mostly due to embarassment.

Feli's jaw drops, "Mio dio, he didn't!"

I deadpan, "No I like making shit like that up, of course he did, it's Gilbert! Anyway, Ludwig denied it and acted a little awkward but I told him it was fine."

He rolls his eyes and starts cooking, as if this is a normal reaction for the German man.

"So," I ask, "when were you and Gilbert planning on telling us you're an item?"

I hear something clink, falling out of his hand. "You knew?!"

I laugh, "Of course I knew! It's obvious to me, you always get a look in your eye like that over a crush and Prussia has been tripping over himself to get me to like him."

I cackle harder, "You look like a fish with your mouth gaping, like that."

I gasp as strong arms come around my waist, "Ist der Kaffee fertig?"

I try to hide my blush, "Almost." I can feel his stomach like it's glued to my back. I just know Feli will bring this up later. _Kill me now._

"Breakfast is almost ready as well." Feliciano adds on with a smirk.

"Gilbert, be in here in five minutes or no food for you!" He yells over his shoulder.

I laugh when the albino shows up in the doorway 10 seconds later. "Yes dear."

Feliciano blushes, Luddi raises an eyebrow, "Yes they're dating."

"Oh." He frowns a little and my stomach drops. _Did he like Feli? _

Meanwhile Ludwig wonders, _When did that happen?_

With everyone thinking about separate issues breakfast is very quiet. I frown, wondering why Gilbert is so quiet.

"Prussia?" I ask, and he looks up at me, almost fearingly.

I laugh, "Gilbert, it's okay to date my brother if you like him. Just know if you cheat on him I will personally castrate you."

He winces and then smiles, "Message received, and thank you Lovino."

I blink it was the first time he used my human name. It felt nice.

A few minutes later they get up and let us know, "We're going on a date today, we might not be back for awhile. If anything changes we'll let you know."

After they get out the door I turn to Ludwig, "Are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't even know if you liked Feli like that and I told you before they could."

He smiles, barely visible, "It's okay, I don't like him like that and I was just wondering when it all started."

I laughed, "That I have no clue on."

He swallows, "So why are you wearing my sweatshirt still?"

I facepalm, "Sorry I should've asked if it was okay, I was um. I was self-conscious about my chest this morning and so I wanted to keep it on. If you don't want me too though I can go change."

He coughs, "No, it's okay- I was just curious. Besides it suits you."

I force down a blush and his face is the color of a cherry blossom, "Thanks."

Second story update today! I'm tired so this isn't as long as I wanted it to be. Hope you enjoyed- Obsessed


	6. Gott hilf mir

_~~~POV Germany~~~_

_Gott hilf mir,_ I think to myself when I see his blush. It's so hard to act normal when he makes me feel this way.

"So what do you want to do?" he asks me.

I ponder for a moment, "I'm not sure, did you have anything in mind?"

I notice his face tint slightly pink, "You can't laugh, okay?"

I crease my eyebrows, "Okay?"

"We'll do yoga for awhile." he says quickly.

"Why would I have laughed at that? I need more flexibility." I reason.

He scowls slightly, "I just had to be sure. Follow me."

I follow him through the house, and notice he's wearing tights. They look really good on him, I blush as I notice his slightly round hips, and much rounder backside.

_Can you not go for two minutes without perving on him? Stop it, he doesn't want you like that and he's probably already no edge because of what East said._

I stop just short of walking into him, having not noticed he bent down to roll out the two yoga mats he collected on the way. I back up a few steps.

When he stands up and turns around he starts talking to me, "Okay, so I'm going to go pretty easy on you this time since we're only beginning and you need to increase your flexibility. If you want to take a break, let me know. Try your best to copy me, and I'll adjust you if you need it. Okay?"

I nod along the whole time, _How bad can it be?_

He doesn't tell me the name of our first position, it involves lying flat on our backs.

"Make sure you have your hands on your stomach and that you feel it moving as you breathe." he tells me.

He smiles watching me, then gets up and adjusts my arms, "Relax a little more, it's not a mission the more you focus the less it'll work."

He stands back up and watches me for a minute, "There you go."

My sweats and tank suddenly feel a little too warm on me but I ignore the feeling and wait for my next instructions.

He sits down with his legs crossed, "This next one looks stupid but it's good to get your blood flowing through your joints and allow them more motion."

He turns over on hands and knees, back arched and then relaxes bringing it inward, repeating the process slowly a few times.

"You're going to move between the two positions, but don't try to move too quickly focus on letting your muscles feel the movement."

I start to try and he comes over smiling, he gently guides my knees and hands to slightly different positions, then he puts one hand on my stomach and the other on my back, I shiver slightly but he ignores it. He gently guides my spine into an arched and then relaxed position, after a few times he watches me do it on my own.

"Sehr gut, you're getting it." he says happily, I love his Italian accent speaking my language.

"Next is the most iconic pose in yoga, you'll see what I mean." he says, before flipping over and making his body make an inverted 'v'.

I nod in recognition, before attempting to copy the perfect posture in his pose.

This time when he comes to adjust me, he stands closely behind me, gripping my hips and adjusting them. I feel heat rush to my face and try not to think about it. Then I feel his pelvis pushing against me and my breathing becomes shallow.

"Deep breaths." he instructs, not noticing my change in attitude.

_I can't do this, focus on breathing, he obviously doesn't notice anything is wrong. _His hands are so sure on my hips though. Strong and wiry, my body feels like it's on fire from his. When he lets go to check on me, I fall flat on my face.

He panics a little, "Ludwig? Are you okay?!"

I hold an arm up, with my thumb sticking up. _You fucking pervert, you're hard from that!? He was just trying to help you into the right position, why do you have to make everything such a big deal?!_

"We don't have to do anymore today if you don't like it." he offers kindly.

I sit up, "Thank you, it's not you I just don't think it's a good idea for me today." I say, attempting to reassure him.

"So what do you want to do?" he asks again.

"Can we just talk? Like about our lives, I know so little about you- I want to know more." I say earnestly.

He blushes a little, "F-fine, what do you want to know?"

I pause, _What can I ask him that won't be too invasive? _"What's your favourite memory?"

He smiles softly, "Feliciano and I were younger, and Grandpa was still around, we went on a picnic. Feliciano and Roma and I we just enjoyed being family, telling eachother ti amo, anch'io ti amo's. What about you?"

I lift my face up a little, thinking, "I was 40 in human years only 8 in their ages though and Gilbert was teaching me how to hunt. He told me that he was proud to have a little brother and even prouder that I was his little brother."

He smirks, "My turn, who was your first kiss?"

I blush a little, "Does it matter?"

He cackles, "Now it does."

I sigh heavily, "I don't even remember her name, we were so little when it happened- she was Italian though I remember that much. What about you?"

He blushes lightly, "Bella or you might just know her country name, Belgium. I was young and flirting with her to piss off the Spanish bastard and she well- she was his age and gave me what I was asking for. My brother and I have always enjoyed the beauty of humans of either sex and every gender." He summed up.

I ask without thinking, "So you're pansexual?"

He nods his head, "Yeah, some people call it just bi, but I don't mind either term. Anyway that was your turn, so… What about you, what's your sexuality?"

I blush and start to ramble, "Well for a long time I thought I was straight and never questioned anything because I wasn't given options… It wasn't until I met you and your brother that I started opening up my mind more and I've come to realize I don't really care about bodies or parts, I care about people- so I guess I'd say I'm pan too."

I notice him blushing, "Did I say something wrong?"

He shakes his head, "Bastard, what do you mean Vene and I changed your mind?!"

I blush stuttering, "I meant, I didn't mean… you both helped me to see that it's okay to not always be what everyone expects, it's okay to be yourself that's all."

He bites his lip, "Good I meant it when I said I didn't want you treating me different."

I start speaking passionately, "Italy Romano Lovino Vargas, I have never met someone I knew was more of a man than you. I'm not going to treat you any differently- you're still the same person. Now, pick a new question cause I'm out of them."

He grabs his chin, glancing around the house as if looking for inspiration, "Tell me about a moment that changed you as a person."

I sigh, "I'm sure you know I've done many things I'm not proud of, for my past leaders -we all have- but I've truly never regretted anything as much as I did letting Adolf get elected that first time. It caused me so much pain and sickness and hurting others. It led to me hurting you and Vene, Britain, America- and so many others. I haven't trusted a leader since and have been careful about the amount of power I'd let them have over me."

He swallows, "A moment that truly changed me a lot would be the Italian revolution, I never felt pain the same way I did as when I was fighting my brother and hurting his people. We all do evil things sometimes, but the best thing you can do is try to do better."

I try to lighten the mood, "What's your guilty pleasure- something you don't want to admit you enjoy but really do anyway?"

He scowls biting his lip, "If you tell anyone I'll never admit to it, okay bastard? But, I actually really enjoy staying here with you and Feli and even your bastard of a brother, okay?" He was blushing by the end of his speech.

I smile, trying to seem calm, "Tell you what, I'll tell you mine, but please try not to laugh -I really enjoy baking."

I hold my breath, my eyes closed, I hear a small gasp come from him. When I look at him he's blushing.

"What is it?" I have to ask.

He ducks his head a little, "I don't know why- but a picture flashed through my head when you said that of you in a very small 'Kiss the Cook' apron and not much- if anything else."

My eyes are wide, he quickly goes to reassure me, "I promise I'm not perving, I'm just- I didn't want to lie- I'm an idiot- I'm going to take a nap."

He jumps up and runs out of the room, locking the door behind him.

I sigh, "Did you like it?" I finish my answer to his statement.

Love you guys, even though I never actually get comments. I wish I had more inspiration more often, but here's a longer chap than normal at least.


	7. Closer

Hey people who actually read this, I just wanted to say as a transguy I wrote my personal experience of dysphoria, but it's not always intense or even noticeable. I had a bad episode or 'bout' as I call it the other day and I figured it would help make our lovebirds Progress a little faster. Hope you enjoy.- Fanboy

~~~POV LOVINO~~~

Still blushing from the image leaving my mind, I feel a bit down. At first it doesn't even register in my brain, but when it does I look down. I see my wide hips in these stupid tights, I didn't even put on a packer today. At least I can't see my stupid hideous chest. I just hate having such feminine parts, I'm not a girl damnit. I tuck my legs up and lay under a blanket. _How can anyone stand looking at me when I can't even do it myself? _

Laying on the couch, curled up like that, I let some tears fall. Ever since I started testosterone, I cry a lot less than when my body let estrogen take over, but one thing that still almost always make me cry are bouts of dysphoria like this.

I tense completely when I feel a hand touch my shoulder. I peak out from under the blankets when I feel my eyes dry a little. When I see Ludwig's concerned blue eyes, my heart contracts.

I find my voice, "What are you doing, Potato Bastard?" but my voice has none of the old venom.

His hand squeezes lightly on my shoulder, "Wanna talk about it?"

I sigh as he sits down, "You wouldn't understand." I attempt to explain.

He nods, "I can listen though."

I bury my face in his shoulder groaning, "It makes me feel like a girl to whine about my feelings."

He smiles, "You've met my brother and Feliciano is yours, I'm sure you wouldn't seriously mean it if you called them girls."

I close my eyes, "It's different for them though."

Ludwig presses, "How? They're men and you're a man. It's not a feminine thing to have emotions, it's a human thing."

I grumble quietly a little, "Look who's talking, Mr. Stoic himself."

He closes his eyes sighing, "Is that really how you think of me? Stoic? What about all the times I've gotten mad at your brother or you to cover up how worried I was? All the times I cried when Gilbert left when I was little, all the dogs that loyally followed me because they knew I cared for them? All the loves I didn't confess to, for fear they'd say the same. I may seem emotionless but that doesn't mean I actually am. I'm human right?"

I'm a little taken aback, "Loves? Scared? But you're so perfect. How could you be afraid?"

He laughs with a hint of bitterness, "Muscles and organization don't equal perfection Lovino, just like penis and ego don't make a man."

I shake my head, "I know but you're more than that, you're a soldier, a caring friend, you parent your pets and citizens, you cook- and are good at it, you can understand even the most complicated paperwork. How isn't that perfection?"

He sighs, "Because no one is perfect, the person we love may seem like it, but they still have flaws and it's okay. It's part of what makes us interesting and unique."

The words hit me, _The person we love may seem like it, but they still have flaws… _I can't breathe, I think he's perfect- I don't love him though! That's ridiculous. He's just handsome, and kind and I'm in a sensitive mental state- that's all. I don't love him!

I'm realising I should say something, my face still burning, I start to feel my chest, as if it's two tumors, growing from my chest. I pull back from his gentle embrace and cross my arms over them, willing my body to reverse grow them. I wish they could just retract- I feel tears on my face again.

"Lovino, are you- I don't know the terms but self-conscious? In a way- about… " He asks me kindly, in the best way possible.

I pull my legs back up to my chest, "Only a little. It just- it gets overwhelming sometimes, the realization I don't have a male body- not a cis one anyway."

I see him frown in confusion, "Cis means a body like yours, your biological sex matches with the gender you were assigned at birth."

I see him blush faintly, and I chuckle, "It's not the easiest thing to tell doctors and the world you feel like you should have a dick but don't."

He shakes his head, "I can't imagine."

I smile, "I'm glad, I wouldn't wish dysphoria on anyone, looking at yourself in a mirror and seeing a stranger or you, but only if you were an identical twin of the opposite sex. Transgirls crying cause they feel masculine and ugly transboys crying because they feel too small and delicate."

He stares at me, "You're not delicate by any standard and you're quite average as far as Italian men go with height, you're taller than Feli after all."

I nod, "I know but imagine your enemy knowing your deepest insecurities and then taunting you with them, that's what my brain does because I'm trans and a few other things but think of it like this. You say have a sprained ankle and after it heals you try to walk on it, even though you know you're walking normally and everyone else reassures you of the same, your brain or enemy reminds you when able 'You look like you're putting too much effort into walking.' or 'You walk like your ankle is still sprained.' It makes you paranoid and self-conscious sometimes and others, you start to believe it.

He sighs, "Lovino look at me," I do, "you aren't at all feminine, I'm not telling you to make you feel better- I mean it. A thousand times before I've wondered how Feli was so feminine looking and acting at times, but you- I've never questioned twice. And even though for the longest time I thought I was straight it was never Feli I was interested in-."

_It was me._ I finish the sentence silently.

I look at his face, my eyes leaving his for the first time in minutes. His face is flushed slightly but I can feel the heat from here. I blink, "You don't mean that. You think you do, but you don't you didn't even say it so I'm not going to-" He isn't kissing me, he's holding my hand.

He lets go, "I understand if you don't feel the same, you pretty much hated me before now. I just want to be there for you if I can. I want to be your friend at least."

I shake my head, "Idiota, I never hated you, I was scared you would hurt me or Feli one way or another. I like you, Patatino."

"I would never hurt either one of you, you know that." he insists.

"I didn't then though did I. And I won't lie, I'm still wary of you. But if you want, I like and trust you enough now. I'm willing to try." I tell him after picking his hand back up.

He frowns, "Are you sure, I don't want you to feel obligated."

"Ha!," I start, "When have you known me to do something I don't want to."

He nods, "Fair enough, but I want proof."

I laugh, "What would prove it to you?"

He blushes, "Kiss me."

I lean in, my lips whispering against his, "Happily."

And I do.


	8. Tell Me

**Warning: Dysphoria is talked about in this chapter including what would've been extremely dangerous if they were human.**

~~~POV GERMANY~~~

_I can't believe I'm so lucky. _The only coherent thought in my mind as his lips are still on mine. I know I love him. It's no question. I think I always have and it's like a plant you have to let the seed grow into a sapling, and so on.

When I pull back from the kiss I put my forehead against his. I want to cry I'm so happy.

"Is that enough proof?" he smiles.

I wrap my hands around his head. I hold him lightly, but tightly.

"Ja, mein Engel, ja." I respond, eyes still closed.

He blows into my face lightly, I open my eyes.

"What's wrong?" he asks.

I want to say I love you, but I know it's too soon.

"I'm just very lucky to have you." I tell him honestly.

This time I start the kiss. It starts innocently, slow and close mouthed, almost sweet. I let him run his hands up my shoulders, gripping me tightly, I feel his lips parting to continue- then the front door opens.

"WE'RE HO-me!" Feli starts loudly but quiets down once he sees us.

Though Feliciano didn't see it himself, I know he notices our puffy lips from kissing. Gilbert behind him is laughing lightly, eyes wide.

I know my face has to be the color of an apple. Lovino on the other hand is still holding my hand, smiling at his brother.

"Why do I have the feeling you wanted this to happen?" he asks Feli.

The Northern Italian, shock having worn off replies, "It wasn't a goal, but we started to notice you two seemed to like each other, evidently a little more than we realized."

Gilbert pauses laughing long enough to say, "ICH WUSSTE ES, ICH WUSSTE ES! DU WILLST IHN FICKEN! ICH WUSSTE ES!" then bursts into more laughter.

I angrily reply, "DU ARSCHGEIGE, JETZT NICHT! Du hältst jetzt die Klappe!"

I feel Lovino grip my hand tighter, he rolls his eyes, "Dein Bruder ist ein Idiot. Ich mag du sehr, okay?"

This time, Gilbert blushes along with me, "Du sprichst Deutsch?!"

He nods smiling, "Mehr oder weniger."

Gilbert's face reddens in humiliation, "Scheiße. *cough* Entschuldigung, es tut mir sehr leid! Bitte töte mich nicht, Ich liebe dein bruder!"

I watch as Lovino totally loses it. He falls into my lap he's laughing so hard.

"That idiot thought I was going to kill him!? For something so stupid and childish?! Wow, thanks for the confidence Bastard!" He manages between laughing coughs.

When he finally calms down he says, "While I don't mind the practice, I'd rather not leave Feli out. Do either of you mind sticking to English?"

I pecked his cheek, "Not a problem, East?"

He shook his head, face still blood-red.

I smiled, "Good, but I swear on all things Holy if you ever try something like that again-"

I didn't even have to finish because Gilbert was imitating a bobble-head to show me how much he understood.

My boyfriend tugged on my hand without a word, we ended upstairs in our room.

"Can I try something?" He asks cautiously.

I try to reassure him, "Of course."

He pushes me down onto the bed, I'm laying flat on my back. He walks closer still standing, but also overtop of me. I raise my eyebrows a little when his palms slide the hem of my shirt upward. I'm not nervous, but he is.

"Lovino, are you sure-" I try to ask.

"Just let me try!" he answers somewhat angrily, I can hear the defense in his tone.

I relax my body. My handsome boyfriend, I can't believe it. He's perfect, I smile, _He doesn't even know how amazingly wonderful and staggeringly handsome he is._ When his fingers glide lightly over my stomach, my breath leaves me. _How did I get so lucky?!_

He climbs on-top of me, straddling my waist and then when he breaks.

I can see him blinking, his face is angry, "I'm sorry, it was stupid to even try this."

I shake my head, "I have no idea what being you feels like, I'm happy you did what felt you needed to do, both times."

We settle into better positions on the bed and try to talk.

"Tell me about you growing up." I more state than ask.

He shifts a little, "Why do you wanna know about that bastard?"

"I want to know everything about you, Lovino." He twitches at my admission.

Then he states, "Corny Bastard, you sound like one of those stupid romance movies girls like so much."

I mentally roll my eyes _I bet Feli makes him watch them._ "Please, I'd be in your debt if you tell me. I'll do or tell you whatever you ask."

He blushes slightly, "I wouldn't call knowledge about my sucky childhood a debt. But fine if you wanna know so bad."

"Well at first it was just me, Feli wasn't born until a little later becoming Vene. I know lots of people think we're twins and we kinda go with it but I truly am older than him. Anyway, at first I was alone. Rome was off already, trying to become an empire. I was taken care of by all the original settlers around the area. Time passed slowly while you were living it, but it was only around 200 years until Veneziano Italy started getting settlers, causing his birth."

I didn't expect such an overwhelming protective urge to take me over while hearing this story, "Vino?" I asked, "Can we-" I blush a little.

His eyebrows crease, "Can we?... Spit it out."

"Can I hold you while you tell me about your childhood?" I didn't breathe until I'd gotten it all out.

He rolls his eyes, "Fine, but next time I'm big spoon. Got it?"

I smile and cradle him to my chest, "Okay, I'm ready now."

He smiles sarcastically, "Anyway, Feli and I were really close for awhile. Nonno was always gone, so we relied on each other a lot. As his territory got bigger, a lot of people moved in, others stayed in their own homes and it wasn't until the 8th century he took Feli. Said his lands were amazing for all sorts of things and that things were changing, next thing we know he's gone and Holy Rome is fighting to make Vene part of his 'Empire'."

I know everything with Holy Rome was complicated so I try not to talk.

"I was taken to live with that happy Spanish bastard, he would call himself 'Boss Spain' it was so stupid. For a long time I wasn't very good at cleaning because of my clumsiness, which the chorea I suffered from only added to. Tonio, hoping to help me with it taught me tantarella. The first dance I mastered, It didn't cure me, but it helped until the spasms subsided. One time I tried to leave, I was upset because I overheard him telling Austria that he wished I were more like Feli. I don't think I would've stopped if it hadn't been for Turkey, during his Ottoman days. He tried to take me over and Spain saved me, I was still mad at the bastard but I stayed under his care without many more complaints."

I sniff his hair,"You've been through so much, I can't imagine how it must feel."

He laughs, "Well honestly this was the easy part, everyone thought Feli was a girl and I was a boy, puberty was actually the hardest for me to get through. When you're little the differences between genders aren't really noticeable, but around the 1200s I realized something was wrong. Spain never found the bloody sheets and it was a different time then, I managed I was the first hysterectomy, considering I couldn't die permanently I was a great first try. I let them sell the organs as payment. In the 1600s I found something that worked like testosterone until I could get the real thing."

My brain feels numb, "Don't you think about your own safety!? That could've ended much worse than it did!"

He turns his head toward me, "You don't know what it's like, to feel as if your body isn't yours. God had betrayed me, leaving me feeling like an alien within myself. Anyway, most of the rest you know."

I squeeze him tightly, "Promise me you'll never do something so harmful to yourself again. Please." _I can't let you, I care too much to let you._

He looks a little uncomfortable, "Fine, I promise okay. Just calm down *yawns* I'm tired."

And we both fall asleep.


	9. Naughty

It was weird talking to the Potato about so much, I can't forget, vulnerability can only lead to heartbreak. _Idiota, he is already probably bored of you. You can't be nice and who wants to be around an asshole all the time._ I shudder at my thoughts, hoping they're wrong.

I wake up warm, feeling like I'm engulfed in it. I open my eyes to see Ludwig, face relaxed, no trace of the usual stress. _He looks so peaceful._ I take a few minutes to just look at this man, this man I have a relationship with. I blush a bit thinking about it. _Handsome Bastard._

Our chests are pressed together and for once, I'm not thinking about how wrong my chest is, I feel safe. I smile and blow some air in his face.

"Come on, wake up already." I say to him.

I watch as he frowns and opens his eyes, then when he sees me, he relaxes again. "I was having a good dream." he tells me.

"What kind of dream?" I ask, teasing again.

This time he blushes, "Nothing, nevermind."

I laugh and kiss him. He freezes for a moment before letting himself melt into our kiss. I reach my hands up and cup his face. When I kiss him, I feel like I'm free, free to do whatever I want. I feel like the man I am, the man I want to be.

I run my hand down his side and grab his hip. He groans a little into my mouth. Smiling at his reaction I run my hand over his backside. He pushes his hips into my touch.

"You like me touching you like that?" I ask smiling.

His face is red and he's breathing hard, "Yes, I do."

Then he leans in to kiss me more. I press my thigh in between his legs and rub gently. His breathing becomes more shallow and I guide his hands around my body. Showing him what's okay and what isn't.

I pull back to clarify, "I want this morning to be about you. Okay?"

He nods, pulling off his tank that he wore to bed.

I push him onto his back and straddle him, grinding lightly. He makes few sounds but they sound so good, I kiss him, this time hungrily.

He pulls back a little, "What- what if they hear us?" He says, eyeing the wall that connects our room to Gil and Feli's.

I smirk at him, "Then I'll just tell them I was getting my boyfriend to enjoy himself."

He blushes darkly, "How do you say such things, so easily?"

I grind down on him hard before answering, "I can tell you like it, and that's all that matters."

I lean down, blowing lightly on his ears, I lick a spot on his neck before teasing it with my teeth. He shudders, grip on me tightening. I slide down his body and eye the tent in his shorts.

"What am I gonna do with this?" I ask rhetorically.

I bite my lower lip lightly, reaching a hand out to cover the tent rubbing lightly. His hips jerk a bit.

I smile, gripping his waistband. "I've never seen you lose so much of your control, I love it."

As I pull down his boxers, I see his face contort as if the air on his cock hurts. I pick up his hard shaft, and give it pump. His hips following my hand. Little sounds are escaping him like whimpers. I lean down and lick his slit, by the sound he makes you'd think I'd wounded him. I open my mouth and take his head in.

He moans long and low, I suckle it like a jaw breaker, using my tongue to caress the sensitive skin. His hands are in my hair, tugging tightly. I relax my throat and take more, until my lips are touching his pelvis and his head is down my throat.

I pull back off him but still on his shaft lightly grazing my teeth on his head. His hips jerk involuntarily, as he whispers my usual vocabulary to himself.

When I look up into his eyes he warns me, "I'm gonna- fuu-"

I suck him hard as he cums, once he recovers, he pulls me into a kiss.

"Good morning," I laugh.

"Yes it is." He replies.


	10. Getting it Right

I knew I was glowing before my brother pointed it out this morning. I'd just had the best blowjob of my life.

"West, bist du in Ordnung?" he asks smirking.

Before I can answer for myself, il mio fidanzato says, "He's doing very well, and if you make him embarrassed about it I'll cut off your balls."

I try not to laugh as my ex-empire brother raises his hands in surrender.

"Fratello! I enjoy his balls! Don't take them!" Vene exclaims, somewhat jokingly.

"Then tell that bastard not to mess around with il mio ragazzo so much!" Vino retorts.

I clear my throat, "Engel, wir haben einen Arzttermin heute."

He raises his eyebrows at me, "Für deine Brust." I elaborate.

"Cosa?" Feliciano asks confused.

"His chest, we have a doctor's appointment to make sure the damage has healed." I say, this time in english.

Gil leaves the room without asking questions.

I sigh, "I want to make sure he can wear his binder safely again until he can get top surgery."

Lovino turns to me, "Stronzo! You shouldn't plan things for me without talking to me about it!"

I blush, "Ich weiß das! Aber Ich habe dich lieb so sehr. I wanted to surprise you, do something nice for you. I was gonna tell you before everything, I just wanted to make sure it was a possibility first."

He shakes his head, "Idiota, ti amo tanto. You don't need to do anything special for me when you being with me is a gift itself."

"That was pretty gay fratello." Feli chimes in laughing.

"Sta 'zitto fratello! You're gay for tall slim and pasty!" he says angrily.

"Ti voglio bene anch'io Lovi." he says smiling.

I interrupt, "If we don't leave soon we'll be late."

"Well then let's go." mein freund sagt, pulling me out the door.

"Ciao, bella! How are you." My boyfriend greets his doctor.

I knew he was more comfortable with girls so I got him a female physician. What I didn't expect was the blush from her.

"This is the patient I was telling you about, my boyfriend." I tell her, with emphasis on boyfriend.

She frowns a little, "You are one lucky man, he's quite the looker."

I feel jealousy rise within, I shove it down. _This is for him._

"I'm the lucky one Ma'am." Lovino says rubbing noses with me.

She smiles, "I'm sure you are. Now take off your hoodie and shirt for x-rays."

She pulls down a gown, handing it to him, and lead him to the lab. He poses for two pictures, and minutes later we're back in the room.

Her radiant smile when she comes in has me rest my hand on his waist. He smiles and rests a hand on my thigh.

"Good news!" she announces. "So, you did have bruised ribs, but those are healed and you have no permanent tissue damage, meaning you are a candidate for a bi-lateral mastectomy- also known as a double incision. Due to family history you are eligible for surgery sooner than most. Do you want to set up a consult with the surgeon?"

I wipe a tear away from his eyes, "It's up to you, whatever you want, I'll support you."

He takes a deep breath, "I never thought this day would come. Yes, I want a consult."


	11. Fine

TW for Suicidal thoughts, depressed thoughts, mentions of self harm

I want my chest to retract into itself like a turtle and it's shell. It's another two weeks before my consult. I stay up at night thinking about how long I've wanted this. I'm so nervous about it I've been pulling on my eyebrows, till they are half as thick as normal. Ludwig, Feli, and even Gilbert are all asking me if I'm okay.

I want to be able to not be okay, just for a minute.

Like, I'm going through some stuff and I get they want to be there for me; but I want to have a moment to not be okay- and let that be okay.

When someone asks me if I'm okay -it's like they want me to comfort them and tell them "Of course! Why wouldn't I be?"- but the truth is I'm not, and I don't want to feel guilty for wanting to have that moment for myself.

I haven't self harmed in years- I promised myself I would never do it again. I haven't abused drugs or alcohol since *that time* even longer ago.

I still want to though all the time; like why should I get to feel and be upset when I can feel and see how much worse some of my citizens have it? Why should I feel bad when I've been through so little compared to them?

How can I not feel guilty about hating myself when I have no reason to?

Yes I've seen war- so have many others- Yes I've experienced having nothing to live on, I'm not the only one. So why does it bother me more than it does them? Why can't I be less emotional?

P.S. I want to let everyone who bothers to read this note know; I was diagnosed with Persistent Depressive Disorder (Dysthymia) , Major Depressive Disorder, and Hypomania (lower versions of 'highs' heard about in Bipolar I disorder, implying that I have type II)

I had and have lots of thoughts like these and still sometimes have them even though I'm on an antidepressant (after trying a few) that works for me and a therapist that I've been seeing for several years.

I just wanted to let someone who needs it and reads this know- You're not alone, you're not being stupid or needy- brains are a weird thing and sometimes they like to make us feel like shit. If you ever need to talk feel free to message or email me, and don't be afraid to ask for help. I almost died before I learned that lesson and I don't want anyone else going through the same.


	12. Don't Worry

Lovino has been quiet lately, I'm worried about him. I don't want him to talk if he doesn't feel like it but I wish I could help. I cuddle him at night and hope he doesn't notice I'm awake too.

I decided today is the day I let him know I'm here for him.

"Lovino?" I ask, waiting for him to respond so I know it's okay to continue.

He rolls over to face me, "Yeah?"

I take a deep breath in an attempt to calm my racing heart. "I know you've been down lately, and I realise you don't want to talk about it- but if you need anything- let me know. I won't ask questions I just want to help anyway I can. If you need to feel not okay for awhile that's fine- it's not good to try and never feel those things. Anyway, I don't want to annoy you so I'm done now but- yeah I'm here for you." I finish my rambling lecture/admission.

He leans over and hugs me, head on my shoulder, "Thank you." he whispers.

It's at that moment I know things will be okay.

P.S.I know these two chapters were short, but it's kinda important that they are so no one gets too overwhelmed (might just be me) and so we can realize these don't always have to be super complicated.


	13. Sorella?

Part of the reason Feli is so protective of me now is because he feels guilty for how he used to be. Catholicism isn't exactly the most accepting of religions; it's not so bad now but the 1800s were a different time, when we unified, I finally told him.

I remember how it went down:

It was the mid 19th century and Europe was dealing with all sorts of things; I remember Spain freaking out about all the fighting France and Prussia were doing. Both of those Bastards were allied with my little brother to force our people back into another monarchy. The Silicians and myself couldn't handle the fight with the Kingdom of Naples and Veneziano.

We created the Roman Republic and shortly after and because of our secular education and the bosses' greed France and Austria soon took me down. Another part of me The Kingdom of Two Sicilies lasted from 1816 until Feli and I were unified. Due to the anger of allies my boss and I agreed to form as a part of the Kingdom of Italy with Veneziano on February 18, 1861.

When my brother and I were reintroduced it was awkward. We hadn't been around each other in so long and so much had happened.

I thought I could handle it until Feli asked where his 'sorella' was.

"Feliciano, it's me. I'm just not a girl." I told him.

His eyes widened, "What do you mean- you're not Romina. She was everything, I miss her so please just let me see her."

I close my eyes and take some deep breaths, "Fratello, it's me, I'm Lovino now, please don't make this harder than it is."

"But, you can't be her- she- if the church found out- WHAT DID YOU DO?!" his brain tries to process.

"Madre di Dio! Shhh! Fratello! If you don't quiet down they'll try and kill me." I beg frantically and quietly as possible.

He takes a breath when I rub his back while I hold him the way I used to, "Okay, Sor- mi dispiace, Fratello, what happened to you." he asks.

I sigh, "I know that you might not be able to understand but I am a man, I was just born with the wrong parts."

"Cosa? What does that have to do with," he eyes me, "all of this?" he asks.

"Fratello I was tired of being seen as a girl by everyone, that's not who I am; when I arrived at Spain's place he thought I was a boy and I never corrected him- there was nothing to correct." I tried to explain again.

He gasps, "Sorella! You're telling me you believe God made a mistake! God doesn't make mistakes!"

I grit my teeth, "God made me this way, and God wants us to be happy Fratello, I wasn't happy lying about myself."

He shakes his head, "Mi dispiace, I can't let you do this and go to Hell. What if I have to go to heaven without you!?"

"Fratello, I didn't choose this, it's just who I am. I can't change it. For so long, I was suicidal and I kept living for you and for Grandpa; but I can finally live for myself as myself." I plead.

He changes, "You wanted to die? Sorel- dispiace, Fratello, why didn't you say anything?" he asks me worriedly.

"Because I knew that this kind of conversation would happen. I do everything for you and Grandpa, and this is the one thing I can't be selfless about." I confess, ashamedly.

"Fratello, it'll take time, but if it's honestly what you need. I can try, okay? We'll have to hide it from the church, but I missed you too much to lose you as soon as I got you back." he tells me.

"Grazie Fratello." I say.

"Prego, Lovino." he says, and I smile.

*end of flashback*

I look up to see Feli come in, "Chao, Fratello." he greets me.

I smile, "Te voglio bene, Fratello."

He looks at me cocking his head to the side, "Anch'io voglio bene, Fratello. Are you okay?"

I chuckle, "I was thinking about 1861. I'm so glad you finally accepted me."

He frowns, "I should've sooner, I can't believe I almost let myself lose you over the church!"

I shake my head, "You didn't know any better, it wasn't exactly something that was allowed at the time, and if the church found anyone that way they would convert them or kill them."

He sighs, "Well, I'm still mad at myself about it, I have no clue how I didn't take one look at you and know you're mi fratello."

I laugh, "Grazie."

I head up to my room to take a siesta.

P.S.Hey guys, I know these last three updates were pretty short but it's content so Merry X-mas, and happy holidays. I really needed to make this chapter tonight and I'm fine but I wish I was as lucky as Lovino is. Comments are apreciated especially since I had to do a little historical research for this chapter.


	14. Poor Girl

TW for this chapter: Mentions of suicidal ideation, lack of hygiene due to depression/dysphoria, dysphoria, misgendering, sexual abuse and lots more

I haven't always been this okay being trans, I'm still not always okay with it. When I finally got on antidepressants for my depression it didn't go well.

The first ones they gave me made me super hyper- I was seeing animals in the carpet and walls; it was awful. I wanted to sleep but I couldn't; I got about 4 hours worth within the 72 hours I was on them.

Drug induced mania, they called it, I knew I'd been diagnosed with Hypomania- was this an extreme form of that?

They switched my medication immediately, told Toni to look after me and keep me away from sharp objects.

After a few more alarming tries on medication, all while having to see a therapist. We found the right one.

They also made me tell him about the abuse- I was a 'minor' and therefore had to inform him of the sexual abuse that I endured.

As if I hadn't already been through enough; he wanted to know who did it.

It wouldn't make it any better to tell him so I refused. The Bastards aren't anywhere near me anymore and that's all that matters.

I was told for years that the 'reason' I 'thought' I was a man/guy/boy was because of my abuse.

"It makes sense you wouldn't want to be seen as a woman after that." they'd say.

It's stupid because even before my abuse I was having symptoms of gender/body dysphoria; I just didn't know that's what it was.

If it was all about trauma then I should feel better with medication; but as I said earlier we found me the right medication- it wasn't enough.

In fact, the more my General anxiety and depression improved, the worse my dysphoria grew.

It's because I didn't have a way to present male at the time and I couldn't ask them to call me he or him unless I wanted to die for 'mental illness' or 'demonic possession'.

It's like the things that were getting treated were like forest fires in my brain and ability to function. Now that they're smouldering (mostly taken care of) the other issues are now in the forefront of my mind; demanding to be addressed as well.

I thought my dysphoria was another fire, if I throw some water on it (acknowledge it and try to cope) that it would be manageable. The thing is… It's a grease fire.

The water made it flare, larger than before and more desperate for destruction and fuel. I'll do little things to try and help myself, and they do help; but the next problem shows itself and I can't do anything about it. If it doesn't get addressed, it gets worse.

I told my bosses, as I knew they would be less judgemental since they already knew I was immortal and overall different. The only problem was I tend to have a very religious bosses. They were good Catholics (mostly), and as such they thought it an utter disgrace that a 'lowly woman' would try and call herself a man.

The more they told me what an abomination, and how evil I was; the more I wanted to talk about it and it was present in my mind begging to be addressed.

Spain addressed me as a girl like the bosses told him to, and then tell me how confused he thought they were when they left. He became my one ally, he thought I was a male, and though I mostly reflect that now- I will always be biologically female. I still was so thankful for the fact he'd made the 'mistake'. Or else I might not be alive today.

The more you try to ignore something integral about yourself the more it consumes you until it's taken care of or you die. Things like this make you forget everything else and heighten existing problems. I would get so anxious I wouldn't want to talk or move for days. I felt like every bit of me screamed female to the point I would neglect hygiene for I couldn't bear facing myself in the mirror or my body in the shower.

I wanted to die. I wanted to be accepted. I wanted to be me.

When I was little and told to imagine the future, I would close my eyes- and see black. I couldn't imagine living as I was especially for a long time. I didn't want a future as me.

It took me a long time to realize I actually like myself. I usually think of myself as the self everyone sees me as and that's not who I am. I'm not a girl, or any of the million things they label and see me as. I am a person, a man, who has insecurities. They see them, and sometimes- they exploit them.

I don't hate the me that only I can see, I hate the me that I experience and live and get treated as.

I'm smart, I'm sarcastic, and loving, and needy, as well as dorky, alone, anxious, depressed, happy, confused, messy, dumb, and a million other things.

I hope one day they stop seeing me as 'the girl who thinks she's a man' and see me as 'the man who worked hard to help his body match what was intended' because I am.

The next time someone tells me that "it's so sad, you were such a pretty girl and you're ruining yourself." I'm going to tell them that it's sad that'd they prefer a pretty corpse to an ugly angel.

I could keep telling myself stuff like this for years, I have so many lessons I've had to learn the hard way. Just one last thing, hey future me, if you're reading this? Could you try and be happy enough to keep us both going? Take care of yourself, get more therapy if you need it, ask about adding to your meds, don't be afraid to try and do things to help yourself. You're the one suffering, you're the one who knows what you need. So ask for it, no one else will.

P.S.Yeah so like, I know some of ya'll know these are at least some of my personal experiences. I'm not gonna say which could be all could be none. Please if you feel any of these things, talk to someone- anyone that will listen. I know I used to enjoy wallowing in my own self hate and depression and it wasn't healthy and I just wish I'd seen a message like this on one of the fanfics I'd read like this. If you ever need someone to talk to you can PM/DM me or Email me or whatever. But please talk to someone, you don't even have to try and correct your habits yet just talk. On that note, I would really appreciate comments, so leave one if ya want. And lastly, sorry for another depressing chapter!


	15. Consult

Today is the day, Lovino had to take one of his klonopin (which he was prescribed for emergencies like this). Trying hard to relax as we wait to arrive at the hospital. I'm so nervous and happy for him.

It's our consultation with the surgeon. To see if he'll be the one to perform it, and what options we have for it. His grip on my hand would hurt if we were mortal. I rub my thumb against the back of his hand gently, he gives mine a squeeze. _Gods I love him._

I'm the happiest I've ever been, and lords help me- he's so sexy. When he gets shy it makes me want to show him how amazing and manly his body is. It's perfectly imperfect, I don't want a Ken doll, I want my man. But I don't mind waiting for him to be ready. I want him to be comfortable.

I know he is self conscious though, I know what that part feels like. I still need to tell him, maybe I will after his consultation. Gynecomastia is nothing to be ashamed of, and it's not like he wouldn't be understanding. I just, I get nervous. What if he thinks I'm gross for it? What if he gets mad I didn't tell him sooner?

I hold his hand as we walk into the surgeons office; we both wait with baited breath. When the surgeon finally comes into our room we both let ourselves relax.

Dr. Anand is beautiful, she has medium long silky black hair and navy blue scrubs. Her skin is the color of sand at sunset, a beautiful red-brown. Her smile itself relaxes you.

"Hello." Her tone is friendly, warm at an alto pitch.

"Hi." we both say at the same time.

"I'm Dr. Anand, and I'll be your surgeon. Nice to meet you." she says cordially.

"This is Lovino, your patient." I say, letting go of his hand and stepping away.

He smiles tightly, "Hi."

Her eyes brighten, "Hello, would you like to talk privately or is he free to listen?" she asks.

"He's fine." Lovino clarifies.

"He set this up for me."

"Oh, I see." she smiles.

"Mr. Vargas, I see that you are setting up for a bilateral mastectomy, is this correct?" She squints to read the paper.

"Yes, that's correct ma'am." he replies calmly.

"Do you mind if I have a look? We won't do anything advanced today but I can tell you if you'd be better suited to a less invasive surgery." She is polite and respectful.

Lovino shifts uncomfortably, "Would that help much?"

She seems to notice, "If you're uncomfortable, we don't-"

He cuts her off, "No it's fine, just.."

He pulls his sweater off.

My brain zones out for a minute, he's so beautiful, he has a small dark rabbit trail at his navel. And his chest seems perky for how he binds all the time.

I swallow and look at his face, he's definitely nervous.

I see the doctor study his chest for a moment, "Do you have any rib damage?" she asks.

"I bruised them about a month ago but they are healed now." Vino tells her.

"Try to be easy on them, because damage can prevent surgery. You can put your shirt back on." She waits for him to get settled again.

"Due to your size, I'm afraid the surgery will require a double mastectomy. Perri could work but it would leave too much leftover tissue." She tells us.

"I thought so." he says with a sigh.

"I'm going to set up a lab appointment for you to get the process started okay?" she says, pulling out her schedule.

"Okay." we say.

**Hope y'all enjoyed, figured I should update.**

He jumps up and hugs me when she leaves the room.


	16. I want to

As we drive back to the house I wonder how Ludwig feels about seeing my chest for the first time. I know that I'm uncomfortable with my chest and getting rid of it soon, but a small part of me wants him to like me pre and post op.

Ludwig startles me as he stands from the car, me so lost in thought I almost missed it.

"Is everything okay?" He asks after I scramble to get out.

"Yeah, just thinking." I tell him while trying to calm down.

"About anything in particular?" He asks holding the door for me.

I blush, "It's nothing."

His face softens a bit, "Okay… But feel free to tell me anything, really."

My eyes get misty, "Stupid bastard, -thanks." I blush but appreciate his intentions.

I take his hand and pull him up to the room we share.

"So I've been working on myself for a while," I tell him earnestly.

"And I want to try something if you're okay with it." I finished my thought.

"We can do whatever you want, if I get uncomfortable- I'll say so." he says with the tiniest upturn at the side of his mouth.

I sit us down, facing each other, on the edge of the bed, "The thing is, I want to give you my everything- now that I realize how much I've always cared. And I think you could help me finish healing." I tried to explain.

"I just, I'll show you." I say, before slipping off my shirt.

His eyes widen a little at the sight of me shirtless without a binder.

"You don't have to, I don't want you uncomfortable," he says, turning his head away from me.

I grab one of his hands and use it to flatten one side of my chest the way my binder does.

"You can look and touch, I just- You know I'm not a girl, right?" I ask with a good amount of vulnerability.

He shakes his head at me, "I've never met anyone as amazing or that was more of a man than you."

He sighs and looks at his hands now on my chest, "Are you sure this is okay?"

"If I change my mind I'll say so." I promise, him and myself.

I lean in and kiss him as his hands slide down to my waist. My hands snake around his neck, pulling him down and close. As we pull each other close we fall to our sides, holding one another and enjoying this time.

**I really need to work on this some more and I hope to within this next week, sorry for such a short update but I promise there will be more soon. Stay safe, especially those in COVID-19 outbreak areas. Please leave a comment and see you soon.**


	17. Let's Try

Breathing in the smell of the person you love is the best way to wake up. At least, in my opinion it is.

I open my eyes to look at the beautiful man holding me, his leg tossed over my own, his hands around my waist. I sigh in content. I think about trying to get up but he looks so peaceful sleeping. I feel his naked chest pressed against my own and think about how lucky I am that he trusts me.

I shift a little in our bed to get comfortable, he groans in his sleep; burying his face into my neck. I kiss his forehead lightly, knowing I can never convey how amazing he is to me with words or actions.

"Mmmhm," Italy groans with a small frown.

I smirk.

"Guten Morgen, Engle." I say in his ear.

He opens his eyes pouting, "Good morning, I'm still sleepy." and he tries to turn over.

"It's Saturday, don't you want to shower together?" I ask without pushing.

He frowns, "Showers can be hard for me, maybe another time."

"Okay, whenever you're ready." I tell him.

He nods, explaining, "It's more of a trauma thing, than a trans thing. Maybe you'll help me get over it though."

I swallow, trying not to think so hard. "Are you still tired?" I ask.

"Nope, and looks like part of you isn't either." He says with a smirk, nodding down.

I blush a little, "Well you were shifting against me and it's normal to wake up with one."

He rolls his eyes at me, "I was teasing," he snakes his hand down, "besides, I like it."

I feel his palm against me and my hips tense, his hand is warm and the friction feels good.

"You don't have to, I wanna make you feel good too." I say, complaining a bit.

He sits up, "You can try, but we have to start slow."

I nod, "And what's off limits, what do I call things?"

He smiles, "Well this," he gestures to his top, "is my chest, I don't like calling it other things. This," he brings my hand to his length, "Is my dick, I don't mind other terms like growth or clit, because the testosterone turned it into essentially a micropenis."

He shifts my hand back farther, "This is my pussy, bussy, front entrance… whatever you want to call it, I'm a guy but I have one and it feels good to have it full. And my ass is the same as anyone else's, I'm not sure if I like that stuff yet, I've only experimented on my own a few times."

I nod, much harder than before.

"Any questions?" he asks me.

"Can I use your chest to make you feel good? The same way I would a cis guys?" I ask tentatively.

He inhales, thinking, then releases in a sigh, "Honestly, that answer is going to depend on the day, right now yes, but on a day where my dysphoria is worse no."

"That makes sense, can I touch you now? Tell me if you don't like anything." I ask comprehending.

He nods at me, looking down at his body.

I lift his chin up with the hand previously on his dick and kiss him gently, moving it to the back of his neck as he deepens the kiss. As he starts to relax, I roll him under me, using my elbow as a prop. He keeps his hips inclined toward mine, I run my hand from the back of his neck down to his chest, rubbing the sensitive nerves gently. As he wraps a leg around my waist I pinch the bud and he gasps softly. I grind against his hardness to give us both some relief.

"Is this good or do you want me to stop?" I ask nervously.

He lets his head fall back from my neck, "This is good. Don't stop." he says with shallow breathing.

I feel the area below his length get warm and somewhat wet. "Do you want me to avoid your front entrance or does it need anything like lube?"

"It- hh needs lube b-but only when I'm h-dehydrated. Yes, y-ou can use it, as muchhh as you want." He tells me, struggling to keep composure.

"What happened to that dirty mouth of yours? I like making you lose control like this." I say clearly, but with effort.

The hand on his chest goes down to his entrance and I push a finger in lightly.

"Hhm, I can be really submissive… But it's fucking embarrassing. I l-like to be dominant in my relationships." He tells me blushing.

I curl my finger in the direction of his stomach and his breath catches.

"Do you like that?" I ask once again.

He answers. "If you don't get inside me soon I'll get my dildo and take care of myself."

I blush, curling my finger again as he lets out a strangled noise.

As I pull my hand out, I ask, "Do I need a condom?"

He runs his hand down to his enlarged clit, rubbing it. "No, hysterectomy remember? So unless you aren't clean… "

"Just checking, some people prefer it." I tell him.

My eyes are glued to his hand rubbing himself in circles.

I move to enter him, spreading his lips a little. When the head makes it inside I'm overwhelmed, he's warm and wet and tight. I feel him clench and loosen.

"More." He says huskily.

I grab his hips and ease myself in fully.

"Have you ever… before, like this?" I wonder aloud.

He blushes, "Only with toys."

He clenches down on me, "You feel so good. You can move, you know."

I kiss him gently, as I pull out and push in a few times adjusting to him and a pace. He dips his fingers in the wetness leaking between his legs, and rubs his dick. My hips slam into a different part of him and he moans harder.

"Right there, fuck!" he tells me.

I'm so hot for this man, he's so fucking sexy. I think to myself as I near my limit. His hips jerk a few times as he clenches down on me a new wave of wetness flooding around my cock. But the look on his face, pure bliss. Is what sends me over the edge, deep inside him. My hips spasm for a moment or two and I pull out before we get too sensitive.

"That was great." he tells me panting.

I nod, almost gone.

Just then we hear, "Fratello, wake up!" and both of us groan.

I do want to be transparent... I am one guy, yes I am trans but I don't represent us all and neither does Roma. So if you ever date a trans person (or really anyone) you might want to ask these questions to help funtimes go a little smoother.

Also I do realize I'm like a month late posting this, my college classes end soon and I'll be less busy then. Let me know what you think.


	18. Now

I'm finally liking myself, I'm in love, and I'm loved. What more could a guy ask for?

Thank you all who've read from the very first chapter all the way up to this point. I feel this story has come to it's natural end and Lovi who very much represents me in some ways has grown and become more comfortable with himself.

I love this story a lot because it's the first one I incorporated mental health and my language skills (if you can call them that) into. I hope you all enjoyed and if there are any questions or requests feel free to message me or leave a comment.


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